Dear Jessie: My Toddler Won’t Stop Hitting

Toddlers are busy figuring out how to handle big feelings in a little body – and sometimes that means they use their hands in ways we wish they wouldn’t. Hitting is one of those behaviours that can leave even the calmest parent feeling helpless, frustrated or hurt. But take a deep breath – you’re not alone.

Recently, Emily reached out to share her story.

Emily’s Letter to Jessie

Dear Jessie,

My toddler (almost 3) has started hitting me and I don’t know what to do. It seems to happen when they’re tired, frustrated, or even during play. I’ve tried saying “no”, walking away and staying calm, but it keeps happening.

I don’t want to punish them harshly, but I also don’t want to let this continue. I just want to understand why they’re doing it – and how I can help them stop.

Emily

Why Toddlers Hit

Toddlers often hit because they haven’t yet learned how to manage their feelings or communicate effectively. It’s not about being naughty – it’s a sign they’re overwhelmed.

They might hit because they’re:

• Tired or overstimulated

• Frustrated and don’t have the words to say so

• Testing limits to see what will happen

• Seeking attention or connection in a confusing moment

It’s important to remember that hitting is a behaviour – not a reflection of your child’s heart or your parenting.

What to Do in the Moment

1. Stay calm

   
   

   Take a breath and try not to react with anger. Your calm is their anchor.

   
   

2. Set the limit

   
   

   “I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts”

   
   

   Say it clearly and confidently. It’s not about punishment – it’s about safety.

   
   

3. Offer an alternative

   
   

   “You can say, ‘I’m mad!’ or stomp your feet”

   
   

   Help them learn safe ways to express big feelings.

   
   

4. Remove yourself if needed

   
   

   If the hitting continues, it’s okay to step away or stop the activity.

   
   

   “I’m going to take a break until you’re ready to use kind hands”

Help Them Learn Over Time

• Name the feeling:

  
  

  “You’re feeling frustrated because you didn’t get what you wanted”

  
  

  This helps your toddler build emotional awareness.

  
  

• Teach coping skills:

  
  

  Practise big belly breaths, squeezing a pillow or using words like “help!” or “stop!”

  
  

• Rehearse with toys:

  
  

  Role-play hitting scenarios with dolls or teddies to model gentle behaviour.

  
  

• Celebrate gentle hands:

  
  

  Catch them being kind and acknowledge it:

  
  

  “That was lovely how you gave your friend a hug!”

Create a Safe, Predictable Environment

Toddlers thrive with routines and simple rules. Keep your responses to hitting clear and consistent so they learn what to expect. You can even make a gentle “house rules” chart with pictures:

• Gentle hands

• Kind words

• Take turns

• Ask for help

Keep it simple and visual!

Remember: You’re the Grown-Up Guide

Your job isn’t to control your toddler – it’s to guide them through this learning phase. Limits are loving when they are set with care and consistency. Toddlers feel safest when they know someone is calmly in charge.

Thanks for reaching out for help

Emily, it’s okay that your toddler is testing limits – it means they’re learning. Your loving presence, clear limits and ongoing support are exactly what they need. And when the hitting stops (and it will stop), it’ll be because you taught them something powerful: how to feel, without hurting.

You’re doing a beautiful job.

With care,

Jessie 💖

If you have a parenting challenge you’d like to share, feel free to email Jessie at jessie@jessiemaris.com. I’m here for you.